The Downfall Of Han
by MMHMS
Summary: Story 3 up! A tongue-in-cheek fanfic series revolving around the original trilogy characters. Prepare for some Han-bashing. Not to be taken seriously! Reviews very much appreciated!
1. The Downfall of Han Part 1

****A/N: Please don't take this seriously…. I love Star Wars, although my liking of Han Solo is pretty limited…. **grins**, this is more to do with the fact he stole Luke's limelight, though. **lol** Review if you like, it'd be much appreciated (as long as it's nice **grin**) ****

****Disclaimer**: I don't own these characters or locations; they are the property of George Lucas. ****

**Location: **Tattooine

  
In a bizarre and ultimately unreal twist of fate, the Millennium Falcon, carrying it's inept pilot Han Solo and his altogether more intelligent buddies Chewbacca, Luke and Leia, had crash-landed. Han, prepared as ever, only has half a packet of chocolate Digestives in the glove compartment to keep hunger at bay. 

  
**Leia: **Really, Han, I thought you'd have been better prepared than this... 

  
**Han: **Blah blah blah blah blah. Just shut up, will you? (turning away) Luke! Oi! Buddy! Have you figured out what's gone wrong yet? 

  
**Luke: **(having being denied a Digestive and told to sort out the mangled Falcon, mutters-) You're a complete eejit of a pilot is what's gone wrong, _buddy _. (out loud, to Han) I don't think there's anything I can do! 

  
**Han: **Great. Fan-bloody-tastic. I don't know why I bother with you two. Didn't they teach you anything at Jedi school, Mr Totally Useless? 

  
**Luke: **(muttering, again-) Obviously not, Mr Perfect. 

  
**Leia: **Han, aren't you going to let Luke have a biscuit? You've had three already. 

  
**Han: **Shut up, Leia. 

  
**Leia: **But... 

  
**Han: **Fine. God. You're always sticking up for the little weed, aren't you? What about me? 

  
**Luke: **(coming over) What about you? 

  
**Han: **If it wasn't for me, kid, you'd have been nothing, let me tell you. Nothing! Godammit, I was the one who... 

  
**Luke: **(having had enough of Han) Bottled out? 

  
**Leia **laughs, then stops off **Han's **glare. 

  
**Han: **I never bottle out of anything, you little farm boy scumbag! Come here and say that! 

  
**Luke: **(sticks tongue out) I am here. 

  
**Leia: **Leave it, Han, will you? Just... forget about it. Why don't you start trying to think of a way to get us out of here? 

  
**Han: **Jesus! I have to do everything around here! I got you here, remember? Isn't that enough? 

  
**Luke & Leia **exchange glances, then, in unison: No! 

  
**Han: **Fine. (gets to his feet) I'm going over there (points) for a think. Something YOU (pokes Luke in face) have never done. 

  
**Leia: **Han, I warned you... 

  
**Han: **Yeah, yeah, whatever. (turns to Luke) Dust off my trousers, will you? I don't want to look a mess if there are any young Coruscant gals around.

   
**Luke: **(reluctantly brushing dust off Han's designer trousers) We're not on Coruscant, Han. 

  
**Han: **What? I think I know where... 

  
**Leia: **(interrupting) He's right, Han. 

  
**Luke: **We're on Tattooine. 

  
**Han: **Oh, we've got a right little smart arse here, haven't we? Think you can tell me where we are and what to do? Well, I'm gonna get us off of here and fix the Falcon all by myself, and then you can get ready. Yes, you will see what a wondrous creature Han Solo is... (kicks dust in Luke's face) and what a wimp Luke Slothwalker is in comparison. 

  
**Han **stalks off towards the Falcon, leaving **Luke **and **Leia **to finish the Digestives. With a backward glance, **Han **suddenly rushes back, snatches up his biscuits and continues towards his mangled vehicle, whistling cockily. 

  
**3 hours later... **

  
**Han **has managed to disconnect the controls, crack the windshield and come to the conclusion they are, for the time being, well and truly stuck. 

  
**Han: **I knew I shouldn't have let you near the thing, Luke. Look what you've done. 

  
**Luke: **But you just... 

  
**Leia: **(stepping between them) Han, maybe you should check on your friend. 

  
**Han: **Who? 

  
**Luke: **Chewie! 

  
**Han: **Oh, yeah. I just get confused, that's all. It's not easy having so many friends. (to Luke) Y'know? 

  
**Luke: **I... 

  
**Han: **Whatever, Wormie. You go check on Chewie, will you? I've got some special... navigating positioning figures I want to... consider. 

  
**Luke: **(trudging away, calls-) Chewie! 

  
**Leia: **Have we got time for all this, Han? You ate all our rations. (rolls eyes, out of view) 

  
**Han: **Of course we've got time! I'm Han Solo! (punches air exuberantly) It won't take me five minutes. 

  
**Leia: **(mutters-) That's what I'm afraid of. 

  
**Luke **has located **Chewie **, who is drawing pictures in the sand. He crouches down to talk to him, while **Leia watches **, amused, and **Han **mumbles to himself. 

  
**Han: **(looking up from his calculations, being done on his fingers) Jesus, Leia, what's with you? Don't tell me you like the bloke. (shudders theatrically and looks at her disdainfully) 

  
**Leia: **Han, don't be... 

  
**Han: **I mean, what's to like? (puffs out chest) Especially when you consider what he's up against. 

  
**Leia: **Eh? 

  
**Han: **Me! I'm the hero here. 

  
**Leia: **You're not being... 

  
**Han: **Ssshhh. This is my moment, Leia. Don't be so inconsiderate.   
**Luke **is cutting back across to them, followed by **Chewie **, who has his furry paw on Luke's head. Aw. 

  
**Han: **I mean, I could win him hands down at anything. Out of the two of us... who's braver? Better looking? More considerate? Cleverer? Hmm? (looks at Leia, expecting an answer) 

  
**Leia: **Um... 

  
**Han: **Come on! It's easy. _I _am. 

  
**Leia: **(relieved) Here's Luke and Chewie. 

  
**Luke: **(excited) Look what Chewie found! 

  
**Leia: **What is it? 

  
**Luke: **(pointing) Some underground cave system. We can probably get to where we need to be. Or at least get some help. 

  
**Leia: **Nice one, Chewie! 

  
**Chewie: **Rrrwaaaooorrrr! 

  
**Han: **(to himself) So, if we're here... and the main point is... eastwards... should be... (out loud) Hey! Guys! 

  
**Luke: **What? 

  
**Han: **I've got it! I know how we can get out of this place! 

  
**Luke: **How? 

  
**Han: **There should be some caves, just around (runs forward) here! See? We can probably get to where we need to be from here. Or at least get some help. (to himself, self-congratulatory-) Well done, Hanny-boy. 

  
**Leia: **Han, we just... 

  
**Han: **Shut up, Leia. 

  
**Luke: **Han! 

  
**Han: **Look, I know it must hurt, Slothboy, having me being superior to you in every way... but face it, ok? _I'm _our ticket out of here. (looking from Luke to Leia and back again) You can thank me later, guys. 

  
**Leia: **Come on, Luke. 

  
**Luke **falls into step beside **Leia **and is just as quickly forced out the way by **Han **, who swaggers towards the cave entrance with his arm around **Leia **, who rolls her eyes at **Luke **. **Luke **grins back. 

  
**Han: **Leave it, will you, Skycrawler? She's not interested in you. Or your lightsaber. 

  
**Luke: **There's nothing wrong with my lightsaber! 

  
**Han: **Whatever, Wormhead. I've seen it. (to Leia) Believe me, it's pathetic. Now, my blaster pistol on the other hand... you wanna see it? 

  
**Leia: **Not now, Han. (to Luke) How should we organise this? 

  
**Luke: **Well, if... 

  
**Han: **Hello? Hello? Coming through, coming through. Man with a brain here. (barges through and knocks Luke clean to the floor) Now, I'll lead the way. 

  
**Han **starts to lower himself down into the cave, spraying liberal amounts of dust in **Luke's **eyes as he struggles to get up. **Leia **tries to help him up but is tugged away by **Han **. **Han: **(inside cave) OK. I'll lead. We should be heading... this way. (points) 

  
**Leia, Luke and Chewie **have lowered themselves into the cave behind Han. 

  
**Han: **Follow me! (glaring at Luke) You sure you can keep up, ferret boy? 

  
**Luke: **Just get on with it, slug boy. 

  
**Han: **Boy?! Ha! I haven't been a boy since... well. I wouldn't want to brag. (self satisfied grin) 

  
**Luke: **(dryly-) You're obviously missing out, Leia. 

  
**Leia: **Hmmm. 

  
**Han: **Come on, slowcoaches! 

  
**Chewie: **Rrrroooowwwaaarrrr! 

  
**Han: **You probably won't be able to keep up the incredible speed I work at... but you'll have to try. (starts running forward) 

  
**Leia: **(concerned-) Han, don't you think you should check... 

  
**Han: **(far away, echoing) Shut up, Leia! 

  
**Luke: **Maybe we should go make sure he's alright... 

  
**Leia: **Yeah, come on. 

  
**Chewie: **Rrrraaawwwwooooaarr! 

  
**Luke, Leia and Chewie **all run after **Han **, who is too far away to be seen, although not too far away to be heard, as... 

  
**Han: **Aaarrrrrrrggggggggnnnnnnnnnooooohhhhh! 

  
Loud crashes are heard as **Luke **finally locates **Han **, or at least his foot. **Han **is hanging upside down in a big pit of sand, his blaster pistol crooked and unusable. 

  
**Leia: **(shouts down-) Han! 

  
**Chewie: **Rrrrrwwwwwwwaaaaaawwwrrrr! 

  
**Chewie **grabs hold of **Han's **leg, **Luke **doing the same. **Han **waves his leg pathetically. 

  
**Han: **Get off me, you freakin' losers! (kicks out)

  
**Luke: **We're trying to help... 

  
**Han: **I'm Han Solo! I need no help! 

  
**Leia: **Han... 

  
**Han: **Shut up, Leia. Really. 

  
Suddenly the wire holding his leg snaps, sending him plummeting to the floor, where he bounces once before crumbling into a ball. 

  
**Luke and Leia: **(in unison) Han! 

  
**Chewie: **Rrrrrrrrwwwwwwwwwwooooooorrrrr! 

  
**Han: **Go away, you mindless cretins. I can get myself out of here. (trying to get to his feet) Ah. (crashes back to floor) Bugger.


	2. The Downfall of Han Part 2: 1

The Downfall Of Han: Part 2 (Section A)

**A/N: His Royal Cockiness is back! As with the first instalment, I don't hate Star Wars, it's all a bit of fun… Don't take it too seriously! All characters belong to George Lucas, yadda yadda yadda. Reviews equal cookies. =) ** PS: I know droids don't go to the toilet! And sorry about the double spacing.

**Luke, Leia, Han and everybody's favourite droids, R2-D2 and C-3PO, are having a rare night off in a karaoke bar. Or so they thought… Obi Wan has just informed Yoda of an imminent attack by a group of not-so-inept Stormtroopers, and Yoda is on his way to warn them.**

**----Outside---- **

**Yoda is struggling through the streets, heading for the bar up ahead.**

**Yoda: **_(to himself)_ Bloody Wan Kenobi. Now I'll never know who won on the Price Is Right. And the state of these roads! _(stumbling over a stone)_ I haven't seen this kind of shoddy workmanship since Han tried to sell me that fake Rolex. _(struggles on)_

**----Inside---- **

**Luke and Leia and watching Han in amusement, as he belts out his version of 'A Little Respect'.**

**Han: **_(on stage, warbling)_ Ooooh, give a little respect…

**Luke: **_(to Leia)_ What is he _on_?

**Han looks down at the two of them, adopting a typically exaggerated rock star pose.**

**Han: **_(out of key, even louder)_ To-o-o-o-o me-e-e-e-e-e-e-e!

**Leia: **_(trying not to laugh, yelling to him)_ You're doing great, Han!

**C-3PO: **_(wandering over and waving his arms)_ Technically, your Highness, that would be known as lying.

**There is half-hearted cheering as Han steps down from the stage, full of himself and his immense talents.**

**Han:**_(to no one in particular, self-congratulatory) _Man, I rock.

**Luke: **_(amused)_ Stepping down so soon, Han? You've only been up there for an hour and a half.

**Leia smirks. Han narrows his eyes.**

**Han: **_(dismissively) _When you've got talent like mine, Skincrawler, time means nothing. I would have asked you to come up and do a duet… but I didn't want to embarrass you.

**R2-D2 beeps indignantly.**

**Han: **_(continuing)_ Anyway, I thought I'd better let some of the others have a go.

**Leia: **_(rolling her eyes at Luke)_ That's thoughtful of you, Han.

**Han: **I've told you, Leia. You don't have to be so obvious about your feelings for me in public. You know it embarrasses me.

**----Outside---- **

**Yoda has almost made it to the door of the bar.**

**Bouncer: **Good evening, sir. I'm afraid I'm going to have to see some ID.

**Yoda: **_(chuckles)_ Foolish, you are.

**Bouncer: **I'm afraid I can't let you in without some proof of age, sir.

**Yoda: **I'm over 900 years old, you jumped up punk! Let me in!

**Bouncer: **Sir…

**Yoda jumps up frantically to try and convince the bouncer he is indeed edging closer and closer to his first millennium.**

**Yoda: **_(jabbing bouncer with his stick)_ Just let me in! Don't you know who I am? Hmmm?!

**----Inside----**

**An infinitely more talented singer has taken to the stage.**

**Han: **_(loudly)_ God. I can't believe some people have the nerve to get up and leave themselves open for public ridicule like that.

**Leia: **I thought they were doing pretty well.

**Luke nods in agreement. Han rolls his eyes.**

**Han: **Oh, shut up, Leia. Believe me, I know what I'm talking about. There's only one thing for it…

**Luke: **_(desperately)_ Han, please, just leave them to finish… You don't have to…

**Too late. Han jumps up out his seat.**

**Han: **Just leave it, Shittalker. _(addressing the whole bar) _Don't worry! I'm back! Coming through! _(barging through the crowds towards the stage)_ Make way!

**Han grabs the microphone from the current singer occupying the karaoke machine and pushes them roughly aside. He turns and beams at the audience, who groan audibly. Han holds out his hands and bows gracefully, under the impression the low rumbling is a show of understated appreciation for his intervention.**

**Han: **And now, for my next song, a particular favourite of mine… Of course, I've had many girls say that this was recorded about me, but obviously I've had to let some of them down gently…

**Leia: **_(holding her head in her hands)_ Please, God, no, not this…

**Luke looks similarly horrified. C-3PO flails around wildly. R2-D2 beeps despondently.**

**Han: **_(brightly) _'I Will Always Love You'! 

**----Outside----**

**Yoda: **Look, I have to get inside! My friends are all in there!

**Bouncer: **Lot of people's friends are in there, buddy.

**Yoda: **Understand, you don't! Hmmm?! We're in terrible danger. I've had news of a Stormtrooper attack, I need to get inside and warn them!

**Bouncer: **As far as I'm concerned, you're underage, sir. And this is strictly over-21s only.

**Yoda: **_(grumbling to himself)_ Honestly, I've never seen such insolence. _(to the bouncer)_ What's going on in there, anyway?

**Bouncer: **_(gesturing to the sign)_ Karaoke night, sir.

**Yoda: **But… that means… _(listening intently and catching a few bars of the Whitney 'classic')_ Yes! That… The singer! _(grimacing)_ If you can call it that, he's whom I need to speak to.

**Bouncer: **I can arrange that, sir, if it would put your mind at rest. _(out of sight of Yoda, rolling his eyes)_ I won't be a minute. _(muttering to himself as he ducks inside)_ Bloody freaks. Honestly, they'll tell you anything to get in some nights.

**To be continued…**


	3. The Downfall of Han Part 2: 2

**The Downfall of Han Part 2: #2.**

**----Outside----**

**Yoda jigs about impatiently outside, waving his stick excitedly and attracting a few dubious gazes as he waits for the bouncer to attract Han's attention and bring him outside.**

**----Inside----**

**Han: **And I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-eeeee-I, will alwaaaaaaays…

**Leia: **_(horrified beyond belief)_I can't stand much more of this, Luke.

**Luke: **There's got to be a way we can get him down.

**Leia: **Believe me, I've been thinking since he got up there. But once Han gets going with his karaoke… _(shudders)_

**Bouncer: **_(off stage, waving frantically at Han, who is lost in song)_ Sir! Excuse me! Could you… Hello? There's someone to see you!

**Han: **Love yooooooooooo-oooooou!

**Luke: **_(pointing)_ I think that guy is trying to get Han's attention.

**Leia: **Looks that way. _(shaking her head)_ There's _no_ way he's going to manage that.

**Luke: **_(waving madly at Han)_ Han!

**Han: **_(breaking off from his singing)_ Come on, Sweatsniffer, can you keep your groupie tendencies under control for once?

**Luke: **For God's sake, Han, that guy over there has been trying to get your attention for ages!

**Han: **_(turning around and clocking the bouncer)_ Well, he'll have to form an orderly queue, like the rest of them.

**Bouncer: **_(giving up on Han, and heading over towards Luke and Leia)_ Is he with you?

**Leia: **Unfortunately. _(wincing as Han fails to hit a particularly high note, mutters to a grinning Luke) _There should be a law against this sort of thing.

**Bouncer: **There's someone outside to see him.

**Leia: **_(snorts)_ Unless it's female and under 25, he'll not want to know.

**Bouncer: **Well, whoever it is, they're definitely underage. But it's a he. Short, green, hairy, bit eccentric?

**C-3PO: **Oh, Master Luke, it must be…

**R2-D2 bleeps excitedly.**

**Luke: **That's Yoda. _(to Leia)_ I'd better go and see what he wants.

**Leia nods. C-3PO watches anxiously as Luke quickly strides out of the bar and out the door onto the street.**

**----Outside----**

**Luke: **Yoda! What are you doing here?

**Yoda: **_(unimpressed)_ I've been trying to convince them to let me in. Obi Wan has informed me that a group of Stormtroopers are planning to infiltrate this area of town in a midnight attack. I need you to help clear the area.

**Luke: **No problem.

**Yoda: **Apparently they were tipped off that you'd be here tonight.

**Luke: **_(frowning)_ But _I_ didn't even know I'd be here tonight. It was Han's idea…

**Yoda: **Yes, well. It seems Han has been bragging to everyone he meets about his… talents in the karaoke field.

**Luke: **Figures.

**Yoda: **You must get to work straight away, Luke. And_… (pausing sheepishly, as Luke turns to go back inside)_ I… I don't suppose you could get me inside, could you?

**----Inside----**

**Luke: **_(to Leia)_ We need to get out of here. I'll explain later. What's going on?

**Leia: **Han's going loco down in Acapulco, C-3PO and R2-D2 have gone to the toilet together… typical of droids, they can never go on their own when they're out. And I've got a sudden urge to throw something sharp in his direction. _(gestures to Han)_

**Yoda: **_(muttering)_ They should have kept him in the carbonite when they had the chance.

**Han: **_(to audience, which is slowly diminishing as he carries on) _Come on, guys! Sing along! You know the words!

**Luke: **Han, we've got to get out of here.

**Han: **_(waving Luke away)_ Can it wait, Wormie?

**Yoda: **_(jumping up and tugging Luke's sleeve)_ Forget it, Luke. Leave him.

**Leia: **_(with some difficulty) _We can't just leave him behind, Yoda.

**Luke: **Yeah, Leia's right, we have to take him with us.

**Yoda: **_(rolling eyes)_ Figures you two would be on the same side. What happened to Jedi solidarity, hmm?! Fine. _(toddles over to the edge of the stage and reaches up to jab Han sharply- possibly overly sharply- with his stick)._ Han! Get down here!

**Luke is filling Leia in on what Yoda has already told him.**

**Han: **_(wincing at the pain but putting on brave face)_ Look, Leia, if you wanted me you could have just asked yourself, you know. No need for Yoda to…

**Leia: **_(losing patience) _For God's sake Han, if you don't get your arse off that stage in a minute we're all gonna be rounded up by an army of Stormtroopers and then you'll be even more to blame than you already are, thanks to your self-congratulatory website which tracks your every move. This has got nothing to do with you and me.

**Han: **_(looking sceptical) _Whatever you say, Leia. _(to everyone else)_ Don't worry, guys. Leave this one to me.

**Yoda:**_ (throwing stick to floor and holding head desperately in hands)_ _Now_ look what you've done.

**----Five minutes later----**

**The bar is apparently fast becoming surrounded by Vader's squeaky-clean henchmen. Han is still finding time to congratulate himself.**

**Han:** _(surveying the scene) _I'm a dab hand at evacuating people, if I do say so myself. _(barking at Luke)_ Scabpicker! Fetch me a mirror.

**Leia: **I think that has more to do with your singing…

**Han: **Did someone speak? Ah. _(takes mirror from Luke)_ Ooh. Looking good, Hanny-boy.

**C-3PO: **_(quietly, to Luke)_ Master Luke, forgive me, but I don't think…

**Han: **_(shouting over everyone else)_ Right. This is what we're going to do.

**Luke and Leia are already conferring.**

**Luke: **We could always check if the back door is locked. I doubt they've got that far yet.

**Leia: **It's a start, I…

**Han: **_(booming)_ You there! Yogi!

**Yoda: **_(glaring daggers at Han and trying to remember the virtues of patience) _Yoda.

**Han: **No, no, I'm Han. H-A-N. H for handsome, A for irresistible, N for… naked in your fantasies. And it seems I've had yet another flash of brilliance. _(to silent room)_ You can thank me later, guys. But first, Yeti here is going to check the back door to see if it's locked. I doubt they've got that far yet.

**Leia: **But that wasn't your…

**Han: **Do you ever stop talking, Leia? _(mimicking) _'Hello, I'm Leia, I'd like to talk about ME for a while.' Honestly. Some people just don't know when to shut up.

**Yoda has gone to check the door.**

**Yoda: **_(muttering to self, furious)_ He can forget about a Christmas present now. Someone else will just have to buy him that life-size cutout of himself. _(rattles handle a few times)_ Locked, it is.

**Han: **See, Skiptrawler? Your plan sucks.

**Luke: **But… _you_ just told him…

**Han: **Yeah, I know, kid. It bites that you'll never be as good as me, right? I don't blame you for being bitter and twisted. But if you want to get out of here alive then I suggest you shut your trap and listen to me, okay? Right. _(casts eyes around desperately)_ A plan. Which I'm… working on. Just… _(snapping at them as they all watch expectantly)_ Give me a little space, would you? Jeez. You'll all get your chance later on. Okay. Right.

**----Five minutes later----**

**Han:** Won't be a minute, now. I'm just… formulating the finer details of my magnificent plan. This one is really going to astound you.

**Leia:** Hmmm. Wonder where I've heard _that_ one before.

**Han: **_(shooting her a huge grin, not picking up on the sarcasm) _Okay, listen up, people, I'm talking now. We're going to escape through the skylight.

**Yoda curses in a very un-Yoda-like manner under his breath. Luke looks dubious. Leia rolls her eyes at the utter crapness of it all.**

**Han: **You can tell me how great I am later, guys. Right now we need to get this thing on the road! _(Exuberantly)_ Yeah! Come on! _(flexes muscles)_

**Luke: **Han, they're practically IN the building now. There's no way we're gonna get out by using the roof.

**Han: **_(ignoring him) _Who's going first? _(without waiting for an answer) _Alright, if you insist. I'll do it. _(to Yoda, conspirationally)_ Honestly. I bet you were tearing your hair out when you realised Pukey Luke here was your Jedi Knight! You wanted someone like me, I'll bet. You know.

**Yoda: **_(muttering) _I'm sure you're about the enlighten me.

**Leia: **Han! For God's sake if you're going, go!

**Han: **Be quiet, Leia. _(to Yoda)_ Brave, strong, clever. Able to get out of difficult situations just like _that (clicks fingers)._

**Han finally gets over himself and with the help of Luke and Leia manages to reach the skylight, stepping on Yoda and R2-D2 in the process. Yoda brandishes his stick angrily. R2-D2 bleeps indignantly.**

**Luke: **_(to Leia) _There's no way this is gonna work. They'll be waiting for him out there.

**Yoda: **So there IS a God.

**Leia: **Han… Han, are you…

**Han: **Bloody hell, Leia, I'm surprised you're not suffering for permanent laryngitis, the way you carry on. _(pushes open skylight and peers out warily, suddenly not so brave) _Ah.

**C-3PO: **What is it? _(anxiously)_ What's going on?

**Han: **Nothing, nothing. Well, it looks like we're going to have to make a run for it. So when I make it and you don't, being far too slow _(flicks boot into Luke's face)_, I just want you to remember who tried to help you get out of this mess.

**Leia: **_(to Luke) _If he doesn't shut up in a minute and locate his brain, I swear I'm gonna kill him myself.

**Han: **_(stalling) _So how about a song, guys? Just to see you all off. What do you say? Teenage Dirtbag? _(pointedly looking at Luke) _No, no, I've got it. Old Before I Die!

**Leia: **_(almost in tears) _I don't know what's worse. Being blasted to pieces by a Stromtrooper or having to listen to Han sing a Robbie Williams song.

**Han: **_(full of renewed energy) _Come on! Yeah! _(punches air)_ She's taking me places, I should never have seen… Guys, JOIN IN! She's showing me faces, I should never have seen…

**Luke, Leia, Yoda and C-3PO: **_(halfheartedly) _Well these are strange days, we're living in today…

**Han: **_(far too loudly) _C'est la vie I say!!!! I hope I'm old before I die…

**Yoda: **Wait a minute! Listen! What's that sound?

**Running footsteps can be heard outside the building, as well as fervent scrabbling on the roof.**

**Han: **_(Peeking out again) _Wait a minute… Oh. My. God. I am so fantastic I surprise even my self sometimes.

**Leia: **What the hell are you talking about, Han?

**Han: **They're leaving! And they look damn scared, too. Must have been my secret warning that I broadcast without any of you knowing. At the first glimpse of my blaster pistol they realised their chances were nil.

**Leia: **_(dryly) _It's not that impressive, Han.

**Han: **Rubbish. Compared it to Wormstalker's lightsaber and… well, there's no comparison.

**Luke snorts.**

**Han: **Aren't you gonna thank me then, guys?

**Leia: **Han, you do realise that the only thing that drove them away was…

**Han: **_(interrupting) _My famed battle techniques, yes.

**Luke: **_(losing patience) _It was your singing, cockhead!

**Han: **That moved you to tears? _(grins and puffs chest off)_ Don't think I didn't notice, Sheepfeeler_. (to everyone)_ Now, how about a hearty rendition of I Got You Babe? Bagsy Cher's part!


	4. The Downfall of Han Part 3: 1

The Downfall of Han Part 3

****

A/N: Thanks to the people who have reviewed so far. Again, this is all in fun, yadda yadda yadda, all characters etc belong to George Lucas and his Star Wars empire.

** * * * * ***

**Han, Luke, Leia and Chewie are having a well-earned day off at the funfair. Chewie has gone to buy candyfloss. Leia is enthusiastically pointing at the biggest ride in the park, The Void.**

**Leia: **Come on, guys! We _have_ to go on that!

**Luke: **I don't know, it looks kinda fast…

**Han: **_(pushing Luke roughly to one side) _As if. Ha. _(laughs to himself)_ You really haven't done anything with your life, have you, Wormie? _(mimicking, very badly) _"It looks kinda fast. Blah blah blah, I'm a wimp, blah blah blah…" You want to save the universe sometime, Slimeboy. Then you'd know what I felt like when I…

**Luke: **Bailed?

**Han:** Who defeated the Dark Side? Just remind me again, creep?

**Luke: **It wasn't y…

**Leia: **_(interrupting) _Maybe we should go on some other stuff first and come back later. Chewie'll want to come on with us, anyway. It wouldn't be fair on him.

**Han: **Who?

**Luke: **Chewie.

**Han: **Who?

**Luke: **Chewie. Your best friend Chewie. Remember?

**Han: **Shut up, Wormboy. _(to Leia)_ What's say we ditch this freak and go check out the Hall of Mirrors? _(smoothes back hair)_

**Leia: **Luke and I wanted to go on the ghost train.

**Han:** _(booming) _Trying to hitch a ride home, are we, Slugly? _(to Leia) _I understand. You don't know if you could control yourself around so many reflections of my gorgeousness. Don't worry. I'm not surprised. It's not the first time someone has fainted dead away at the sight of me…

**Luke:** _(ignoring him) _Come on, Leia, let's go.

Leia and Luke head towards the ghost train. With a loud sigh Han follows, winking exaggeratedly at some bemused passers-by.

**Han: **Honestly. The things I do for you people. It's a good job I'm so damn thoughtful. Too thoughtful, sometimes, I know. But someone has to look out for the welfare of the group.

**Leia:** _(exchanging dubious glances with Luke) _Here comes Chewie now, look, Han.

**Han: **Who?

**Leia: **_(patiently) _Chewie.

**Han: **So you don't have to sit on your own after all, Skidmarker!

**Luke:** But…

**Han:** Come on, Leia, let's leave these goons to their own cart. I know I told you to pretend that you weren't pathetically obsessed with me when we were in public… I do have my fans to think of, after all. But really. You don't have to go this far. _I'm_ supposed to be the fantastic actor, remember? _(shoving people out the way to get to the front of the train)_

**Leia:** Han, I…

**Han:** Sshhh, not so loud. People will hear you.

**Leia:** I didn't mean…

**Han:** Can you just be quiet? You're interrupting my flashes of blinding inspiration here, Princess.

A few seats back Luke and Chewie are sat waiting for the ride to start. Chewie is taking up most of the room in the cart, leaving Luke to perch his skinny arse right on the edge of the seat.

**Luke: **You'd better hold onto me, Chewie, I don't wanna fall out.

**Chewie:** _(putting his hand on Luke's head and ruffling his hair agreeably. Aw.) _Rrrraaaaawwwwwooooaaarrrrr!

The ride starts to clunk down the track, a pathetically un-scary ghost train ride.

Han: _(to Leia, who is looking slightly bored of Han's wittering on) _So, as I was saying to Lando, he really shouldn't bother coming out with me if he wants to meet any girls. I'm just too… _(breaks off, screaming) _AAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!

A man dressed very obviously in a white sheet has just wavered in front of the train.

Leia: _(trying very hard not to laugh) _Are you alright, Han?

Han: Fine. Absolutely fine. I just… AARRRRRRRRRRRRGH! _(screams again at the sight of an open coffin propped up again the wall of the ride)_

Leia: But you just…

Han: Trapped my foot under the seat. Yes, I know. No need to make a fuss, Leia. Honestly. _(rolls eyes) _

Leia: I wasn't, I mean, it was you… screaming like that…

Han: Sensitive arches, that's all. And I wasn't screaming. You must have mistaken me for someone else. _(pointedly nodding towards Luke)_

Leia: I don't think so…

Han: Come on, Leia, I know you have some kind of inexplicable soft spot for him, but you have to admit if anyone was going to scream like a girl it'd be… _(jumping wildly and screeching in terror) _AAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!

This time, a slimy green hand has reached out at the train as it goes by. Han is now sweating profusely, his hands shaking.

Leia: It's almost over now, Han, you'll be…

Han: God, I bet Wormie is terrified. _(looking back)_ Just as I thought. Absolutely shitting his pants. I told him those Big Boy Pants were a mistake in the first place. _(self-congratulatory) _Intuitive, that's me. Oh yes.

Leia looks back but only sees Luke with a big grin on his face, him and Chewie looking distinctly unimpressed with the horrors on offer. As the ride ends Han stumbles out and attempts to regain his balance, edging away from the ride.

Han: Won't be a minute. I'm just, um, going to the toilet. I think I left my, erm, um, my comb in there… 

* * * * *

The next ride they come to is the log flume, with people riding around in plastic logs. Luke races over to the queue, followed by Leia and Chewie, who is trying to eat candyfloss and getting it hopelessly stuck in his fur. Han wavers on the edge of the queue.

Luke: _(grinning) _Don't you want to come with us, Han? There's room.

Han: _(puffs chest out) _Like there ever _wouldn't_ be room for me. _(sidling up to Leia)_ If you want to see a really impressive log, then I could arrange it… courtesy of ME, of course. _(stands in what he appears to believe is a seductive pose)_

Leia: Um…

Luke: Are you coming?

Leia: _(thankful to have been cut off from answering) _Yeah, come on, Han.

Han: I… I'd better not.

Chewie: Rrrrwwwwwwaaaaaoooooooorrrrrr?

Han: It's the water, you see, I wouldn't want to mess up my devastatingly handsome self, would I? Just think what would happen to my hair! _(throws back head to demonstrate) _It took me hours to get it like this! I couldn't possibly risk it.

Leia: Fair enough. Come on, Luke, I wanna sit at the front!

Han: God, Leia. You are just _sooo_ self obsessed.

Ten minutes later Leia, Luke and Chewie have finished their ride and are looking for Han.

Luke: I can't see him anywhere.

Leia: He must be around somewhere. I told him to wait out here for us.

Chewie: Rrrrwwwwwwooooooaaaarrrrrr!

Luke: Wait a minute, isn't that him over there?

A figure that looks suspiciously like Han is spinning round and round in the teacups nearby, arms in the air, shrieking excitedly.

Han: Wooooooo! Woooohoooo! Oh yeah, this is the stuff! _(to the bored-looking attendant) _Faster, faster! Eeeeee!

Attendant: I'm afraid your time is up, sir…

Han: Here, here. Have some more tokens. This is an amaaaaazing ride! I've never been on something so exhilarating! _(spotting Leia and Luke stood close by) _Oh. Um, hi guys. I was just… testing this thing out. _(scrambling out and striding over quickly, handing some coins to the attendant surreptitiously)_ It looked a bit unsafe, see, when I was stood watching it, and I didn't want anyone to fall out or anything. So, having one of my legendary flashes of absolute stellar brilliance _(Luke yawns)_ I thought I'd do the brave thing and make sure no one was going to be hurt. After all, I am Han Solo, The People's Hero. I saw it as my duty.

Leia: _(dryly) _Really?

Han: You want to stop being so damn opinionated, Leia, or I might just change my mind about you and leave you to Wormface here. _(shudders) _Just imagine that! Urgh!

Leia: There's no need to…

Han: I mean, at least I can stand up and say "I'm a man!" _(pokes Luke in the stomach) _What about you, you little toerag? I bet you couldn't even find your…

Chewie: Rrrrrrrrwwwwwwwwwwwaaaaaaaaaaaaooooooooooooorrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

To be continued…


	5. The Downfall of Han Part 3: 2

The Downfall Of Han Part 3

Continued…

Han has suggested a trip to the Hall of Mirrors. Neither Chewie, Luke or Leia are particularly interested, but Han won't take no for an answer.

**Han: **Come on! It'd be a crime _not_ to see me reflected so many times!

**Leia:** _(bitterly, to Luke) _Is it a crime to push someone under the wheels of the ghost train?

**Han: **Follow me, Wormhead! _(puts arm round Luke's shoulders and almost knocks the kid over) _Just because your scrubby little reflection isn't worthy of a mirror, doesn't mean mine isn't.

Inside.

**Han: **_(to no one in particular) _Never fear! _(punches air)_ Handsome Han is in the house!

**Chewie: **Rrrraaaaaaaaooooooowwwwwwwwwwwrrrrrrr! _(jabs at his distorted mirror image)_

**Luke:** Hey, look at this one! It looks like I have a huge head!

**Han:** _(snorts) _You wish, Manstalker. I know I'm incredibly attractive, but you haven't even got a…

**Leia: **Hey, this one's free, it makes you look all…

**Han:** Another mirror?! _(booming)_ Then WHY isn't MY reflection in it? _(knocks Leia out the way and flashes his teeth exaggeratedly)_ Damn, I'm just too good!

Chewie is stood in front of a mirror that makes his whole body appear squashed. Han shoots past him, evidently ecstatic, and stands in front of another one.

**Han:** Haha, this one makes you look tiny! Hey, Puke! One here for you! _(waves him over)_ My head looks like a pin!

**Leia:** _(muttering to self)_ It's a shame…

**Han:** _(interrupting) _That I didn't wear my leather trousers? I was thinking the exact same thing.

**Leia: **I wasn't going to say…

**Han:** Anything? I know, I know, but it's hard… _(chuckles to self)_ sorry, _difficult_, isn't it, to ignore my exquisite form? _(hooks fingers in belt loops in a bid to accentuate his… yeah) _But I understand if you don't wanna embarrass the weedy kid here.

**Leia:** _(crossly) _God, you're unbelievable, Han, you know that? _(stalks off)_

**Han: **_(nodding in smug agreement) _As a matter of fact, I do. I get that a lot. _(to himself) _Oh yes. Looking good, Hanny-boy.

*** * * * ***

**Three hours later, Luke and Leia have managed to drag Han out of the Hall of Mirrors.**

**Leia: **Now, how about we go get a ride on The Void before it…

**Han: **_(butting in)_ How about you give it a rest, huh, Leia? Let me decide what we do for a change.

**Luke:** Like what?

**Han:** Well, I'm surprised we haven't had to take you to the toilets, myself. Seeing yourself reflected so many times must've turned your stomach something hideous. But I suppose you're used to that. _(claps Luke on the back and speaks importantly)_ _I_ suggest we go and get our fortunes read.

**Leia:** _(desperately) _But Luke and I…

**Luke: **We wanted to go on The Void, Han.

**Han:** _(stepping intentionally on Luke's foot) _Two against me. I win.

In the fortune teller's tent, Han is sat as the fortune teller waves her hands over the crystal ball on the table between them. Han is using the opportunity to check out his reflection.

Fortune teller: Sir, could you just move out the way a moment? You're taking over the…

Han: Won't be a minute. I know I'm devastating twenty four hours a day, but it's always courteous to keep a check on these things, I feel. Otherwise it simply wouldn't be in keeping with my modest personality.

Fortune teller: I see… ah… yellow…

Han: Ah. Yes. _(sits back, proudly) _I am the sunshine in everyone's life, after all.

Fortune teller: Yellow is essentially the colour of a coward…

Han: _(shouting outside) _Pukehead! Move out the way a bit! You're contaminating the ball!

Fortune teller: And a large, furry creature…

Han: Who?

Fortune teller: A tall, hairy…

Han: Who?

Fortune teller: _(quickly) _Well, moving on… I see a girl, too.

Han: _(self-satisfied smirk) _Just the one?

Fortune teller: So it seems… a proud, dark haired girl- do you recognize her?

Han: Oh yes. That's Leia. She's…

Fortune teller: I sense unrequited love…

Han: _(laughing manically) _Well, not to brag or anything, but she is rather taken with me, I've had quite an effect on…

Fortune teller: It is you who is unrequited, I feel, sir, I can see it all here…

Han: Nonsense. You've got it all wrong. _(laughs again)_

Fortune teller: I sense she does not feel the same way about you.

Han: _(raising voice highly) _Preposterous! Don't you know who I am? I'm Han 'Sex God' Solo! _(totally inappropriate pelvic thrust) _When women close their eyes my naked form is what they dream about! Now, if you finished inspecting what you see in my ball, I'll be off. _(sweeps out dramatically) _Honestly. _(to Leia, as Luke goes inside the tent for his turn)_ She'll be telling Wormie there he's some kind of hero next.

Inside the fortune teller's tent. Luke is having his fortune told.

Fortune teller: I see you are underappreciated now, sir, but I can tell you all this is going to change soon.

Luke: I…

Han: _(poking his head inside) _He's got nothing to be appreciated for! _(ducks back outside)_

Fortune teller: I see great things have being achieved by you…

Han: _(poking head around again) _You should have told me you managed to grow your first pube, Puke!

Fortune teller: _(trying to ignore Han's interruptions)_ You have some good friends, I feel…

Han: _(back again) _Well, not to blow my own trumpet… _(blatantly not embarrassed)_ Oh, but now I'm embarrassed. I treat you too good sometimes you know, Slughead!

* * * * *

Ten minutes later. Leia is now having her fortune told.

**Fortune teller: **I see… family…

**Han:** _(poking his head around the tent flap) _That's right. She kissed her brother once, you know. Hideous business. Only did it once though, didn't you, Leia? I can't imagine Sicksniffer out here being any good at, well, anything. She certainly didn't go in for a repeat performance, I can tell you! Whereas with me… well… _(adopts blatantly exaggerated suggestive look) _Use your imagination, it's not difficult, I know I'm pretty much God's gift, even if I do say so myself…

Leia grabs the crystal ball off the table and throws it in Han's direction. A second later, he is writhing around on the floor, clutching his bits and shrieking in a high-pitched wail.

**Han: **IIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!


End file.
